The Day of the Levi

I am not just a member of the Alana Starr Fan Club, I am also the president!

You used to be a member of that fan club, Andre old bean…you don’t mind if I call you old bean do you?  I mean, you used to call Alana a jellybean all the time.  What the hell does that mean, anyway?  Is she a sugary, artery clogging treat meant for your consumption?  Is she a colorful small delicacy meant to amuse you?  Seriously?

The Gospel of John talks of Jesus Christ as the light of the world and it also says the people of the world, his own people, did not understand the light, did not accept it, nor did they accept him because of their rejection of the light.  Much like the people of Our Lord’s time, you began to misunderstand the light that is Alana Starr.  No one knows quite what happened to you…maybe you just ate one too many jellybeans…but your problem with the light began to grow to a point that you just outright rejected it.

You claimed to be Alana’s friend and yet you wanted to ruin her revenge.  Just answer this one question, Andre.  And truthfully, this is a question anyone can answer, anyone who does not like Alana Starr I dare them to answer this question.

Think of the people whom Brittany Lohan has injured…

Lohan put Greg Venom in the hospital for months as a result of a dastardly sledgehammer attack on the final Motor City Wrestling pay per view event.

Lohan put our own Marie Jones in the hospital for months as a result of a lead pipe assault on GDW programming.

Lohan broke Alana Starr’s neck, taking away precious years from her career.

And those are just a few things she did.  I can go on and on about her crimes, some known, some only rumored.  Now tell me Alana Starr breaking Lohan’s neck at Invictus would not have been justice.  Please, tell me with a straight face that Alana ending Lohan’s career would not have been what Lohan deserved for her crimes against so many people?

You thought Alana was taking it too far?  No, Andre.  She was doing what’s right.  But you, old bean, you were protecting a monster.  Where are your priorities?  But then again, we can’t expect much more from a common thug now can we?

I am a voice crying out in the wind, making straight the way of our Goddess of Goodness, and you, Andre Jordan, are standing right in that way.  That means I have to snuff out your light.  That means I have to take that IWC Evolution Championship and redeem it.

==========

Championship gold in the Craig family has not come by very often.  The eldest of the Craig wrestling family, Adam Craig, has been a GCW World Champion and an SWC Carolina Champion.  Then there is his younger brother, Levi Timothy Craig, also known as Leviticus.  Leviticus has been SWC Heavyweight Champion, MWA Millennium Champion, and Lito Wrestling Federation World Champion.  The only problem with that last one on the list is the Lito Wrestling Federation doesn’t actually exist.  But don’t tell that to The Most Loved Man on the Planet.

Other famous wrestling families are known for their numerous accolades; The Streets, The Chases, The Joneses, The Braddocks…the list goes on and on.  The Craig family has rarely seen lots of success.  Adam’s lack of success is due to just tough luck.  Levi’s problem, arguably, is the fact that he doesn’t take anything seriously.

Even he realizes, though, that he has to take this challenge on New Age seriously.  He is facing Andre Jordan for the IWC Evolution Championship.  And for Levi this is a very important moment, an opportunity to win the championship and rename it the Gavin Taylor Championship…

…or was he going to rename it The Alana Starr Championship?

Eh, he’ll cross that bridge when he gets to it.  First thing is actually winning the title and defeating a guy as talented (or thuggish as Alana and Porno Lad would say) as Andre Jordan will be difficult.

Other things are on the mind of The Most Loved Man on the Planet right now.  That much is evident as he sits in a near empty bar late at night with a half-empty glass of alcohol in front of him.  He isn’t drinking away his sorrows.  He has nothing to be sorrowful about.  He is married to the love his life Caitlyn Perry and he has the best job ever in working for Alana Starr and wrestling in IWC.  He might even win a championship at New Age.  No, he isn’t wallowing away in tears and beer.  Instead he is waiting on someone’s arrival.

The bald headed, charismatic Master Media Mogul checks his watch.  He frowns.  It’s getting late and his guest hasn’t arrived yet.  He sighs as he shoves a dollar across the counter at the bartender.  He stands up and turns to walk away.

“Going somewhere?”

Standing there is none other than Jessica Lasiewicz.  The Titan of Twitter looks down at his watch and then back up at Lady Gambit.

Leviticus: You’re late.

Jessica: I’m sorry, I got held up with my sister.

He cocks an eyebrow.

Leviticus: Your real sister or the fake?

Jessica: The real one, idiot.

Jessica walks over and sits down at the bar.  Leviticus starts to flag down the bartender but Jessica waves him off.

Jessica: Don’t bother, Levi.  We won’t be long.

Leviticus: Ok…

Jessica: Look, it’s real simple.  We already have Marie back.  My Aunt Mags found her, she told my Aunt Kayla where to go get her and she got her and brought her back.  Now she’s back at my place.

The bald man studies the young woman for a moment, taking in what she just said.  Then a sly grin forms on Levi’s face.

Leviticus: I bet she’s pissed, huh?

Lasiewicz nods, sighing deeply.

Jessica: Yes.  Unfortunately she has amnesia and doesn’t remember who she is, so she thinks we just kidnapped her.

Leviticus: HA!  Now that’s fucking rich!  She was kidnapped by that maniac Kimmy Williams, you find her, and now she thinks YOU kidnapped her!  It’s so….OUCH!

Lasiewicz just punched him in the gut.  He rubs his abdomen in pain.

Leviticus: What was that for?!

Jessica: It isn’t funny, Levi!

Leviticus: Yes it is…

Jessica: Would you think it was funny if your brother Adam were kidnapped and this happened to him?

Leviticus: Um…yes…OUCH!

Jessica just punched him again.

Leviticus: What?  Adam hates me!

Jessica sighs, rolling her eyes.

Jessica: Sometimes I wonder why I even try…you don’t even care about anyone do you?  This is all about the money for you?  The money I’m paying you to do this job for me.  That’s all you care about.

The Most Loved Man on the Planet shakes his head.

Leviticus: That’s not true…I do care about Caitlyn.

In a rare show of true emotion Levi grips Jessie’s hands.

Leviticus: Trust me, everything will be fine.  We’ll make Kimmy pay.

Jessica: Thanks…how much does Kim know, by the way?

The Most Loved Man on the Planet shakes his head.

Leviticus: She is suspicious but knows nothing.  I endeared myself to her the other night.  She thinks I’m on her side.

Jessica: Great…I think…

Leviticus: Oh and as for the money…keep it.

Jessica: Really?

The Titan of Twitter nods his head.

Leviticus: Yeah, this one is on the house.

==========

You are entering another dimension. A dimension of sight, sound, and horses named Valentina Madison.  Prepare yourself for the greatest show on earth as one man who rarely has anything relevant to say to his opponents shoots a feature film full of complete and utter nonsense!  That signpost up ahead, you are about to enter The LevitiZone!

DOO DEE DOO DOO, DOO DEE DOO DOO, DOO DEE DOO DOO, DOO DEE DOO DOO, DOO DEE DOO DOO, DOO DEE DOO DOO, DOO DEE DOO DOO, DOO DEE DOO DOO, DOO DEE DOO DOO, DOO DEE DOO DOO, DOO DEE DOO DOO, DOO DEE DOO DOO!

LevitiCorp Presents,

In conjunction with the Independent Wrestling Cartel And Orlando Cruze’s Flat Ass,

In partnership with Porno Lad, The Official IWC Weeping Angel, and some random drunk off the street,

A #GoodGuys Production

Written and Directed by Kordelia Price

Produced by Polly Norah

Leviticus Stars In…

THE DAY OF THE LEVI

I have witnessed war.  War brought about people such The Blaclist, Orlando Cruze, thugs like Andre Jordan and tattooed hooker bitches like Katheryn Pearson.  Wars brought about by hermaphrodites like Brittany Lohan.  I now find my beloved home engaged in bitter war and I myself have had to drop a title I have held a long time because of a war I am about to engage in…

Millennium Champion…

...no, that’s not it.  Lito Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion…

...no, no, damnit!  What was it again?

Oh yeah!  The Doctor!

I am The Doctor.  Or was.  Now I just want to end this brutal war, a war that now comes to my shores as I prepare for battle against Valentina Madison.

No wait, that was last week…this week I face Andre Jordan!

Fuck, I really am behind on the times.  Some Time Lord I turned out to be!

The bald headed Master Media Mogul, former Doctor, now turned warrior is trudging off in the desert towards an unknown future.  A future wrought with conflict, pain, and other cheesy lines from B-Rate graphic novels you can insert here at this moment.  Over his shoulder is a bag, whose contents are also unknown but based on the tense, suspenseful way in which you are reading this, it no doubt contains something nasty and mean!  It does not, however, contain girly things that will give you cooties by touching it!  GROSS!  It only contains something horrible and terrible!  It could contain a thug or a tattooed hooker bitch!

Eventually the journey of this annoying bald headed warrior comes to an end at an old abandoned cabin.  Two words come out of his mouth.

Leviticus: Be Good…

What were you expecting him to say?  No more?  Pffft!

He shakes his head.

Leviticus: Be Good…

He starts coughing.

Leviticus: No more...am I gonna eat Taco Bell!  That shit destroys my digestive track!

He kicks the door in and steps inside.  Immediately he heads to the center of the small cabin and sets the contents of the bag out onto the floor.  It is a small box with strange engravings upon it.  He starts fiddling with the box.

Leviticus: Ok, how the hell do I turn this stupid thing on?

What is this, you ask?  It is a weapon.  A galaxy destroying super weapon that...well...destroys galaxies!  What the Time Lords neglected to tell Levi was that this galaxy destroying super weapon became so powerful that it gained a conscience.

Leviticus: Why don’t people put big red buttons on these super weapons?

As he continues to fiddle with the box he suddenly jerks his hands away in pain.

Leviticus: Son of a bitch!  The interface is hot!

“Your fault.”

The bald man turns around to find standing behind him is a familiar figure.  It a female, with long flowing black hair that touches her shoulders with a natural curl to it.  She is wearing black denim jeans, a black sleeveless top underneath a royal blue blazer, and high heeled peep toe pumps.  Her arms are folded over her chest and she frowns in disappointment.

Leviticus: Huh?  Jessica?  What are you doing here?

Jessica: What am I doing here?

The woman rolls her eyes.  She walks up to the Time Lord and smacks him in the back of his head.  He rubs it in pain as he winces.

Leviticus: OUCH!  What was that for?!

Jessica: For asking such a stupid question!

Leviticus: It was not a stupid question!  Now asking if I am The Master Media Mogul or Captain Capitalism, then that would be a stupid question.  Everyone knows that I am The Emperor of Entrepreneurship, The Afternoon Planet, The Demigod of Ballroom Dancing!

Jessica: Demigod of Ballroom Dancing?

Leviticus: Yeah!  It’s a new one I came up with!  Isn’t it cool?

She smacks him again in the back of his head.  Again he rubs it in pain.

Leviticus: OUCH!  Quit that!

Jessica: No…

She smacks him a third time in the back of his head.  Now he is beginning to look frustrated.

Leviticus: HEY!  What the hell was that for?!

Jessica: Because I felt like it.  Now do you really not know who I am?

Leviticus: Yeah, really I don’t know and…OUCH!

Yes, the black haired woman smacks him a fourth time in the back of his head.

Leviticus: This running gag is getting real old.  I would appreciate it if the writer would move on, please.

Jessica: Yes, please, even I’m getting tired of smacking him.

Sorry.

Leviticus: No problem.  Anyway, who are you?

Jessica: Heh, it’s funny those Time Lords of yours don’t tell you anything.

Leviticus: Huh?  They tell me plenty.

Jessica: Did they tell you how to operate that little weapon down there?

Leviticus: Um…maybe…

Jessica: You do know that if activated I will consume the entire galaxy and anyone else who gets in my way.  But that’s what you want isn’t it?

Leviticus: Right, because I…wait a minute…

The young woman nods her head, grinning.

Jessica: Yeah, they neglected to tell you that your weapon has a conscious.

She waves playfully.

Jessica: Hello!   I took the form of someone from your future…or is it your present?  I keep getting those two mixed up.

Leviticus: Yeah, you do look like Jessica Lasiewicz.  She is a GOOD person!  Almost as GOOD as Alana Starr!  And I say that because if I say anything negative about her I know that her father will beat the fuck out of me…

The super powerful weapon consciousness reaches out and pats him on the head.

Jessica: Awwww, that’s a good boy!

Leviticus: Don’t patronize me!

Jessica: Too late.  So, why do you want to obliterate the galaxy?

Leviticus: Simple.  This IWC galaxy is full of tattooed hooker bitches and thugs who disrespect authority.  This IWC galaxy is at war, Blacklist fighting the Cruze family, Sinistry fighting random people for no apparent reason, and the glorious wonderful Chase Global breaking apart!

He gets on his knees and buries his face in hands and begins to bawl.

Leviticus: I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!  IT MUST END!

Jessica: Oh really?  And what of Alana Starr?

He looks up, confused.

Leviticus: Huh?

Jessica: Are you really prepared to doom that bastion of goodness to death?

Leviticus: NO!

The powerful mega-weapon of mass destruction which only resembles a young twenty-one year old girl with naturally black hair who speaks fluent Polish and occasionally goes into demonic rages nods her head.

Jessica: Yes…if you unleash me I will destroy everything.  Including Alana, a person who personifies GOOD…

Leviticus: But then…

Jessica: That’s right, then there would be NO MORE GOOD!

The Most Loved Man on the Planet leaps to his feet.

Leviticus: NO!  I cannot let that happen!

Jessica: Then come up with another way.  There are other ways.

Leviticus: What other ways are there oh powerful super weapon who bears an uncanny resemblance to the daughter of a guy who wants to kick my ass?

Jessica: Do not eliminate everyone, just destroy those who are enemies of GOOD!  Eliminate people who wish to do harm to poor Alana.  Begin with The Thug.

The Titan of Twitter furrows his brow.

Leviticus: You mean The Master?

Jessica: No you dimwit I mean The Thug!  He is single handedly responsible for trying to tear down Alana’s self-confidence by constantly comparing her to a small sugary candy that humans call jellybeans.

Leviticus: He would never!

She nods her head.

Jessica: He did.  He also constantly stood in her way of getting revenge against Dalohanek…

A six foot thing cardboard cutout of Brittany Lohan on a skateboard rolls into the scene…

Dalohanek: ITS CLOBBERIN’ TIME!  ITS CLOBBERIN’ TIME! ITS CLOBBERIN’ TIME!

…and just like that it rolls right back off screen…

Leviticus: NO!

Jessica: Yes, The Thug did that.

Leviticus: Where can I find The Thug so I can make him pay for his crimes against GOOD?

Jessica: It is rumored that he has regenerated and is going under the assumed name of Andre Jordan.

Leviticus: Then I will go after The Thug!  I will track down Andre Jordan until I find him and make him pay!  I will stop him!  I will…

Jessica: Ok, before you go on with your pontificating, may I ask if you’re done with me?

Leviticus: Um…yeah,  I guess so…no need to obliterate the galaxy if I just need to take our Jordan…

Jessica: Good…I didn’t feel like consuming any galaxies today.  I just ate.

The Doctor: Played by Leviticus
Jessica Lasiewicz: Played by Oprah Winfrey
Valentina Madison: Played by a horse

No elk were harmed in the producing of this movie but we may have disturbed one mnoose (sorry Bob)